“I have 15 years of experience in this industry. Even if his opinion made sense, being a junior, how could he counter-question me in others’ presence?” This was said to me by a senior officer who was complaining about his junior colleague.

What do you understand from the above statement made by the senior officer? Do you think this statement stems from anger, an inferiority complex or ego? Do you think this just stops at thoughts and words, or could it extend to deeper, more resentful feelings?

“He keeps insulting me at every possible moment. It is getting too much. Though I cannot insult him back, what if I sabotage his belongings to teach him a lesson?” This question was raised to me by that very same junior colleague.

From this, we can tell that the senior and junior officer are holding grudges against one another. This has led to a toxic interpersonal relationship due to a lack of appreciation, acknowledgement and grumbling attitude between both parties.

Grudges do not help anyone, but before we talk about dispelling grudges, let us look into what they are.

Grudge is the feeling of anger, bitterness or resentment towards an individual who according to you have committed wrong against you. It is the way people respond to negative feelings and situations. Holding grudges affects our well-being and weighs us down.

To understand that, let us look at this analogy. Imagine that you have a balloon, and you fill it with more air than required. When it is stretched so thinly, anything could make it burst. The same can be said for someone who holds on to their grudges. A person with a grudge is filled with negative feelings, anger, resentment and bitterness and any situation might cause them to fire back. It is more severe with those who have low self-esteem, poor coping skills and temperament issues.

Holding a grudge is very much like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. The reality is that while you may stubbornly hold on to a perceived offence, the other party may have already forgotten the incident. Holding a grudge leads to unwanted and unnecessary suffering.

The negative effects of holding grudges are tremendous on our mental well-being. Harbouring anger increases your thoughts of rage and overthinking. Even in the absence of the person, we tend to replay the situation and rant. While expressing and talking your feelings out in a calm manner with a trusted friend is good, sometimes when we have grudges, the more we discuss it to people around us, the more we tend to repeat it in our mind, and that further riles up our emotions and expressions.

It is shown in the research that blaming another person or suppressing emotions while holding on to the negative feelings causes a negative state of mind and behaviour.

Here are a few ways that can help you overcome grudges:

  • Acknowledge: It is essential to acknowledge what caused the grudge.
  • Communicate: As you are now aware what is the reason, it would be highly appreciated if you communicate it with the person and understand their perspective of the conversation. This helps to clear up misunderstandings. If you are unable to communicate healthily with the person who caused this grudge, talk it out to a professional or a person with whom you can vent out your negative feelings.
  • Take Initiative: Don’t wait for the other person to apologise and take the initiative to do so instead. It is important to understand you are experiencing negative emotions therefore you can take the initiative for your well-being.
  • Learn From the Experience: Our grudges help us learn how certain words and statements can affect us. This makes us self-reflect and helps us set clear boundaries. In some cases, it is not you doing anything wrong, but the other person may be practicing ineffective ways.
  • Let Go: Clinging to the past will make it difficult for us to function. Therefore, letting go and forgiving helps evaluate and rationally understand the situation.


Resilience and forgiveness are the keys to better well-being!

If you or someone you know are experiencing trouble with holding on to or letting go of grudges, please feel free to talk it out with our in-house counsellors, Ms. Harshali Kotekar (hr2@executiveship.com) and Ms. Glenda D’Silva (welfare2@samundra.com).