Challenging is not an easy job to do, nor is it easy to look at our own understanding and question it. As part of human nature, when someone questions or challenges us, we become defensive which may lead to feelings of anger, dejection, and failure. On the other shoe, sometimes we question or challenge others in arrogant and demeaning ways.
It is important to understand that the objective of challenging ideas is not to demean others or make us inferior about ourselves. Differing with someone else’s thoughts and ideas are not linked to the person but their actions or decisions in the context/situation.
So, when your idea differs and you want to address it, your approach shouldn’t question the person but rather to work out the differences in ideas and thoughts in the moment or the context. Differing or disagreeing can be a conversation to understand each other rather than pinning the blame or putting someone down.
So, how can you challenge different ideas politely and respectfully?
- Get your facts and thoughts clearly
Think about which part of the idea or opinion that you differ from. Reflect on your own logic and understanding of the matter. Ensure that you do your homework thoroughly to be fully prepared when you speak up. This step is extremely important in situations like public forums, and dealing with people who may take challenging as a personal offense and talking to people senior in rank. - Be subtle
When it comes to the point of contention, you can open the conversation lightly with little probes. Instead of diving straight into it, ask for clarifications. For example, you can say things like “I get the discussion until this point, but could you elaborate a little on this part as this is where I am confused by” or "I feel taking this step may land us in trouble like this or we may miss something”. This not only helps you present yourself as respectful while differing, but the other party is also able to reflect and engage with you rather than feeling defensive and withdrawn. - Develop and value-add to their ideas
Instead of seeking to change the idea, identify parts of it that you think can be improved upon. It is important to see it as refining someone’s idea to be the best possible version rather than to overhaul it entirely. This will not only help them to align with their goals but it will also show your genuine interest in the success of their project and improving relations.
So, now that you know how to challenge politely and respectfully, how can you deal with challenges posed to you?
- Do not take it as a personal attack but a reminder
It can be a reminder that something was collectively agreed upon and now, it is either missed or deviated, hence the challenge from the other party. Be open to share about the developments or deviation and be grateful for these reminders. - Try to understand the person who is challenging you
While we spoke plenty of effective communication, it does not happen all the time and with everyone. Think about the person who is challenging you. Consider whether they are generally loud and arrogant, it may not always be personally directed against you. - Focus on what is being said than how it is being said
Some people may not always have the most effective communication, but we can choose to focus on the information rather than the way they have conveyed it. Remember, effective communication is also about your ways of managing ineffective communicators.
At the end of the day, to challenge someone pleasantly or learn how to accept a challenge amicably, the best way is to stay grounded and never think you know it all. There is always room for improving and improving comes from challenging and being challenged.
