Feeling low on confidence, having self-doubt, or fear of failure at some stage in life is experienced by everyone. Such exceptional negative feeling can be tackled as one or few events of the life. But people with self-sabotage thinking pattern, have their lives revolving around this negative feeling . For them every thought either starts being negative or they find a fault in it. In many cases it goes to an extent where they feel or perceive negativity in everything around them, be it a human being or situation.

Self-sabotage behavior is built up over time, especially with people whose pattern of evaluation is only looking at the negatives and shortcomings and magnifying them. It is indeed a learnt behavior, but denial is so strong that accepting their personality flaws is difficult. It is challenging for them to try relearning healthy and neutral ways.

Self-sabotage behavior begins with an unknown stage where one is constantly doing rounds of negative thought cycle and believes the negative cycle as the last truth. It further moves to a stage where failure or helplessness is experienced to get into corrective actions.

Self-sabotage behavior is prominent in people with past or present toxic relationships, unhealthy parenting, self-doubting societal values, trauma relating to abuse and so on.


Some of the classic symptoms of self-sabotage tendency are:

  • Refuse to seek help, support, and guidance
  • Planning unrealistic goals like either unreasonably high expectations or too low expectations.
  • Critical towards oneself and others
  • Blame shifting · Approval seeking approach.
  • Overtly accommodating and cooperating
  • General anxiety
  • Controlling and dominant approach

Pause and Examine:

Lower your defenses and think about the formal and informal feedback you have received in the last 6 months. Forget the person who has given it and focus on the content of the feedback and divide it into positive comments, negative comments, and neutral comments.

Think of 2-3 people who are your well-wisher take their perspective and guidance to make a growth plan. Occasionally it is important to see a mirror and do things out of our comfort zone.

Increase self-awareness:

Be a spectator of your own personality, behavior, and actions. Ask yourself, how would you observe, consult, and guide a person who is exactly like you. How would you suggest them to take the feedback in positive spirit and work on developing yourself.

Write a goal statement and the actions needed for it. Get it rationalized with the reliable resource, who has expertise in that area. Evaluate how well you are putting effort in terms of desired action on a regular basis. On the days you feel demotivated or have already failed, go easy but when you are good to go, begin where you have left not from where you have started.

Count your blessings:

The major error with self-sabotaging behavior is they completely ignore taking note of good things that are happening in their life. Count your blessings like, people who are your support system, what made you smile in the entire day, how your strengths are helping you to perform well, the positive feedback that you received and so on. Counting blessings or positive things through the day helps to see the good side of life and it works as an internal motivation to take up challenging tasks.

Unlearning and relearning:

Just like learning is a process and requires consistent practice to acquire and strengthen itin the subconscious mind. Similarly, unlearning and relearning is going to consume your considerable time. Be prepared to invest time and effort until it becomes a habit and part of your living. Remember success is not a definite formula, it is trial and error. So have some patience and be consistent in the process of unlearning and relearning.